Thirty-Four Weeks...

photo credit

Thirty-four weeks.

I am thirty-four weeks pregnant and cannot wait to have this baby. I want to meet my new little baby girl but I also want to start feeling back to my normal self. Six weeks to go until my due date though I am having a c-section so it may only be five weeks until I have the baby.

My child bearing years have been a roller coaster- it is so funny (in a non-funny way) to think back to when I was younger and just thought that you get pregnant and then have a baby. I know this is true for many but like with many other instances in my life, fate kind of throws a wrench in things.

Right after my husband and I were married at the tender age of twenty-two we got pregnant and literally the day before my three month appointment (for some reason the doctor did not want to see me until I was three months along) I had a miscarriage. I didn't even really know that women had miscarriages, let alone someone who was young like me. After almost a year I decided that I was ready to try again.

We got pregnant with my son and I honestly was not really that nervous because the thought that having another miscarriage seemed impossible to me. The first hiccup in this pregnancy was when, after an initial blood test and follow up blood tests, my unborn son had a one in thirty chance of having downs syndrome. I went on to have level three ultra sounds and will never forget the day that the genetic counselor talked to my husband and I and let us know that if we were going to terminate the pregnancy we had to do it soon before the cut off. Hearing someone say that to you is just an awful thing and to this day it still makes me choke up a bit when I think of it. Such a blase attitude from her when it came to the human life growing inside of me. We did not do the amnio thing as there was a small risk for miscarriage and I would have hated myself if I caused myself to lose my baby just because I was being selfish and wanting to know if there was something "wrong" with him. At a later level three ultrasound we were told that my son did not have any of the downs syndrome markers and he was born perfect in every way.

When I was about five months pregnant with my son I was getting ready for work one morning and saw that I was bleeding. My husband and I went to the doctor's and after and ultrasound was told that I was going to be on bed rest due to my placenta previa. Bleeding during pregnancy is scary but bleeding during pregnancy after you have already had a miscarriage is terrifying. But like I said earlier, my son was born healthy and I had no further complications from my placenta or my c-section.

About a year and four months after the birth of my son my husband and I got pregnant with my daughter. That pregnancy had no major complications, though my placenta was again very low. I wanted a vbac (vaginal birth after cesarian) but that was not in the cards because my placenta decided it liked blocking the baby's exit from my womb and I went on to have another c-section.

About a year and three months after the birth of my daughter we got pregnant again. I wanted all of my kids to be two years apart so everything seemed to be going exactly as planned. Then came my first appointment and basically the ultrasound technician saw no evidence of a pregnancy. I was pretty much told that I could be hopeful but that most likely my pregnancy was gong to end in a miscarriage. Blood tests came back with not good results and I sat waiting to lose my baby while also hoping that my doctor was an idiot and that the blood tests were wrong. The medical establishment was correct and I had my second miscarriage in October 2010. What a difference the healing process was from my first miscarriage. After the first one I went on a two week alcohol binge, threw away anything that I had that had to do with babies and avoided being around anyone who had babies. The second pregnancy loss was harder in the way that I had two children I had to care for- I couldn't be selfish and mourn by myself which made the process take a lot longer. There was no shielding myself from being around kids or baby stuff. I had to bring my son to school and see the other moms who were pregnant, one who was due around the same time I was due.

About four months later I decided that I was ready to try again. I felt I needed to try and get pregnant again. I really wanted another baby and I was also scared that maybe I couldn't get pregnant again. I had to know if my baby having days were over because I felt like such a failure as a mom to not be able to hold on to something so important.

We ended up getting pregnant and I was a mess on the inside worrying that I would lose this baby too. I went in right away for a blood test to confirm my pregnancy and my doctor did more blood tests over the next few weeks to make sure that things were gong as they should. Everything has gone great so far for which I am very thankful. My placenta is where it should be but my doctor will not do a vbac after two c-sections so a third c-section it is. As long as the baby is good I'm good with however she has to exit.

This will be my last pregnancy as I am having my tubes tied. Such a drastic form of birth control, I know, but I have thought long and hard about this and know that it is what is right for my family and I. There are many factors that went into my decision- my issues with my placenta and possible complications I could have if I had another pregnancy, the fact that to me having more than three c-sections raises my risk for complications if I have a fourth, my husband and I only want three children and, on an emotional level, the thought of ever having another miscarriage scares me- I do not think that I could handle a loss like that again because me last one really put me into a bad place.

So, thirty-four weeks.

I am grateful that I have two wonderful children and a third one that will be here soon, but will always have a bit of sadness in my heart for the two angels that I lost along the way. Six more weeks and I can close the baby making chapter of my life with all of its complications, uncertainties, joys and sadness and open a new chapter of life with me being able to just focus on my children and trying to be the best mom I can be.

What Do You Say...

Today at breakfast my son and I were talking about the baby and how big my stomach was going to get and he asked me what happened to the other baby.

Tears started to swell up in my eyes as I tried to think of what to say to him about the baby I lost last October. I told him the baby went to heaven and that he was an angel now to which my son replied that the baby was with our dog Buddie (who was put to sleep this past winter). Then he asked why the baby was in heaven and the only thing I could think to say was that the baby wasn't growing right and that God had to take him. I also told him that the baby and Buddie are always watching out for us and that we should always keep them in our thoughts.

Things like this make me feel so guilty for getting pregnant only four months after my miscarriage- like I am forgetting about the other baby and that he was just a speed bump on my path to having three children. I still get very upset and sad when I think about the loss, especially now because my due date was in June; I would have had a baby in my arms in a few weeks instead of now being just barely into my second trimester. (After my first miscarriage we waited almost a year to try again).

I am so happy to be pregnant with a healthy baby now but there is always that sad feeling in the back of head about what could have been and I know from when I had my first miscarriage that I will always feel sad about what happened. It really does feel so lonely sometimes feeling like this because who really wants to hear me crying about miscarriages- it makes people feel uncomfortable and everyone else in the world just seems to want to get on with their lives like nothing ever happened. I should be happy with what I have, which I am, but that doesn't mean I need to forget what I have lost.

(Somewhat) Keeping My Life In Order

Over the past few months I have turned from a somewhat organized person to a scatterbrain and it was really bothering me. I felt so disorganized and overwhelmed with taking care of the housewife stuff on top of caring for a three year old and a one year old.

Meet my solution- a free calender I got from a local business. This calender helps me keep track of what I need to do and what I have done.

Each day of the week (except for the weekend) has a different cleaning task assigned to it of which I listed in the upper left hand corner. Whenever I do anything I notate it on the corresponding day on the calender. You see, I don't always get my daily cleaning chores done so with the calender I can look back and see what I missed the previous week and can make sure I get to it the current week.

I also have a to-do list at the top of the calender of tasks that i need to complete outside of my daily cleaning schedule. I love to-do lists because I am a scatterbrain and if something I need to do is not written down i-most likely won't do it.

Even with my magical calender I am still a scatterbrain but at least now I feel like I have a bit of control- until I accidentally throw the calender away (I have thrown away weirder things not thinking).



Guilt

I have been carrying around so much guilt since my dog was put to sleep on Friday. He had liver failure and it was so far along that the vet put him down that day. I feel guilty that I didn't think something was really wrong sooner. Buddie depended on us to take care of him and I feel like we failed when it was most important. If I opened my eyes sooner and saw that there was something wrong it may have not saved his life but we may have been able to make his last days with us more comfortable.

I feel like this has also brought up so many emotions that I have been supressing in myself. I was finally at the point after losing my pregnancy in October that I felt over it- and by over it I mean not crying at the thought of losing the baby and not feeling like I was in a total fog all of the time. Now, when I think about the baby I cry- and I feel so guilty that I want to try for another baby. Trying again makes me feel like I am betraying the memory of the one I lost- like it was just a little speed bump on my way to having three kids.

I also still feel guilty about my first miscarrige and I will never forget the selfish words I spoke the day before I lost my first baby. I was having an awful day at work and I called my mom during my lunch break and told her that I was having a bad day and that I wished I wasn't pregnant so I could find a new job. The next day I lost the baby and I still hate myself for saying those words- I didn't really mean them and was just being a stupid 22 year old when I said them but they were said and I will never be able to take them back.

So, I guess I just don't know. My guilt comes and goes and all I can do is to just try and be a good mom to my kids, a good wife to my husband and a good owner to my remaining dog.

Can You Be Too Strong?

Can you be too strong?

This is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately. I am someone who like s to hold it all together. I am not outwardly emotional and am the first person to say "suck it up" when something bad happens. It makes me feel strong when I am like this. I feel in control of my feelings and feel like I am keeping things together for my family. I don't want to be thought of as weak- I can do anything I put my mind to and can do it all on my own.

I am very strong willed, a bit stubborn and as my father has called me for as long as I can remember, cynical. Basically, I like to do things myself and do not like outside interference.

Recently, I have had something very sad happen to myself and my family. We lost our baby after being pregnant for seven weeks. This is not the first time I have lost a baby but I feel like it has shattered my world more than the first time. The first time my husband and I were recently married. After it happened I was devastated, we threw everything away that was in any way baby related and then I was able to return to my life- still sad but without any reminders of what I had lost. Now, everyday is a reminder of what happened. Our minivan, the diapers I started to stockpile, my children's outgrown clothing, outgrown baby gear in the basement and even my two children. Before, I was able to segregate myself from anything and anyone baby related. Now, not so easy.

On the outside I am strong. I do not talk about what has happened or cry in front of people. But what I am holding in on the inside is tidal waves of emotion. When I am alone I cry. I cry because I should have a baby growing inside of me, because it seems like my family has already forgotten about my baby and because life has moved on so quickly without thought of a baby who could have been but is now up in heaven with his other sibling who I lost five years ago.

I am not strong, I am just good at keeping it all together so that I can get done what I need to get done. I have two beautiful children who rely on me to be their mother who I cannot let down. I have a husband who I love so much and who I want feel relaxed when he is home because he has so much pressure on him as the breadwinner for the family.

Holding in how I feel my not be what is best for me, but when I became a mother I vowed to myself that I would do everything I could to make my children's lives they best they can be. What is best for me is not a priority in my life, what is best for my children and husband is.

So, can you be too strong?

Yes, you can.

Two Weeks

Tonight my husband said something that completely caught me off guard- we were talking about the teething rail cover on my daughter's crib and he said "when we have another baby". I was taken aback by him saying this and told him the word is "if" and that we can't count on anything.

We both really wanted a third baby so when we miscarried we were very sad. As a man, my husband takes things differently than I do and I can understand that. He wants to still have a third as much as he did before. I on the other hand am not too sure anymore. My idea of what our perfect little family will look like has been turned upside down. I feel like I should just be happy with what I have and leave it at that because I don't think I can handle anything bad happening again.

I am going to focus on coming to terms with what has happened because I still cry at random times during the day and at night when everyone else is asleep. It has only been two weeks but because I had to jump back into everyday life right afterwards it seems like so much more time has gone by but yet there is still so much pain inside of me. 

Instead of being baby crazy like I was before I am going to just try to be the best mom I can be two my two children and try to get back to being a good wife to my husband. I really am so very blessed with what I do have though I am saddened by what I have lost. As for having another child, we will just leave it in God's hands whether or not it will happen.

Coming to Terms...

I have a really had time talking to others about how I feel about my miscarriage because I don't like to make others feel uncomfortable and I know that a situation like this does just that. People don't know what to say or how to feel about it- this includes everyone I know. I can't even get myself to talk about it with my husband because I know he is sad and that he feels helpless- he wants to make me feel better but he has no idea how to. I don't want to make my husband feel like he is helpless in making me feel better. I don't want to make other people sad.

Me, I am sad. I would even say that I am very depressed right now. I am sad that I lost my baby. I am sad that I feel a bit resentful of people who have never gone through this. I am sad that while I am suffering on the inside the world has gone on as if nothing happened.

Everything happened so quickly. I knew that this was going to happen but when it actually did happen it was fast. Sunday night I started bleeding and cramping and by Monday morning my baby was gone and I was expected to jump back into my life without even a day to fully mourn what I lost. Everyday I suck it up and try to do my best at being a mom but at night when everyone is asleep everything I held in all day comes out and I just cry.

I know that with time things will get easier and that I won't always be crying myself to sleep but I will never forget my little angel who is up in heaven.

This will be my last post about my loss. Thank you everyone for leaving such touching comments and for your prayers through this difficult time for my family and I.

Back To Life As Usual...

I guess it is back to life as usual...

My husband went to work today so even though I am still bleeding and cramping I just have to suck it up, stop feeling sorry for myself and go back to being a mom and putting my kids first.

Sitting here, I am scared at how I am going to get through the day by myself but I know I can do it- I guess I am also scared at how I am going to move on from this. I know that I will always be sad about losing the baby because I am still sad about my first miscarriage that happened five years ago. Even though it was so long ago, I still cry when I think about it. And now, when I think about the fact that I have lost two babies, I just feel devastated.

So, it is back to life as usual for me. I am going to suck it up and be the best mom to my kids that I can be because even though I have had a tremendous loss I still have so much to be grateful for in my life...

Sadness

Today I got the results of my blood work and my hcg levels have gone down. At this point it is just a matter of waiting for the miscarriage to happen. I have been cramping a little so the hope that I had that everything was going to be ok is gone and is replaced with sadness.

It is so strange how everything in our lives can change so quickly- how one minute you can be planning where the baby is going to sleep and how the car seats are going to be moved around to make room for him and the next minute you are wondering how you are going to cope with the loss of a child that you never met but love so much.

I am so grateful for what I have- a husband who is my one true love and two beautiful, healthy children who I love and would do anything for- but at the same time I am mourning the baby that I am going to lose and realizing just how unfair life can be.