Thirty-Four Weeks...

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Thirty-four weeks.

I am thirty-four weeks pregnant and cannot wait to have this baby. I want to meet my new little baby girl but I also want to start feeling back to my normal self. Six weeks to go until my due date though I am having a c-section so it may only be five weeks until I have the baby.

My child bearing years have been a roller coaster- it is so funny (in a non-funny way) to think back to when I was younger and just thought that you get pregnant and then have a baby. I know this is true for many but like with many other instances in my life, fate kind of throws a wrench in things.

Right after my husband and I were married at the tender age of twenty-two we got pregnant and literally the day before my three month appointment (for some reason the doctor did not want to see me until I was three months along) I had a miscarriage. I didn't even really know that women had miscarriages, let alone someone who was young like me. After almost a year I decided that I was ready to try again.

We got pregnant with my son and I honestly was not really that nervous because the thought that having another miscarriage seemed impossible to me. The first hiccup in this pregnancy was when, after an initial blood test and follow up blood tests, my unborn son had a one in thirty chance of having downs syndrome. I went on to have level three ultra sounds and will never forget the day that the genetic counselor talked to my husband and I and let us know that if we were going to terminate the pregnancy we had to do it soon before the cut off. Hearing someone say that to you is just an awful thing and to this day it still makes me choke up a bit when I think of it. Such a blase attitude from her when it came to the human life growing inside of me. We did not do the amnio thing as there was a small risk for miscarriage and I would have hated myself if I caused myself to lose my baby just because I was being selfish and wanting to know if there was something "wrong" with him. At a later level three ultrasound we were told that my son did not have any of the downs syndrome markers and he was born perfect in every way.

When I was about five months pregnant with my son I was getting ready for work one morning and saw that I was bleeding. My husband and I went to the doctor's and after and ultrasound was told that I was going to be on bed rest due to my placenta previa. Bleeding during pregnancy is scary but bleeding during pregnancy after you have already had a miscarriage is terrifying. But like I said earlier, my son was born healthy and I had no further complications from my placenta or my c-section.

About a year and four months after the birth of my son my husband and I got pregnant with my daughter. That pregnancy had no major complications, though my placenta was again very low. I wanted a vbac (vaginal birth after cesarian) but that was not in the cards because my placenta decided it liked blocking the baby's exit from my womb and I went on to have another c-section.

About a year and three months after the birth of my daughter we got pregnant again. I wanted all of my kids to be two years apart so everything seemed to be going exactly as planned. Then came my first appointment and basically the ultrasound technician saw no evidence of a pregnancy. I was pretty much told that I could be hopeful but that most likely my pregnancy was gong to end in a miscarriage. Blood tests came back with not good results and I sat waiting to lose my baby while also hoping that my doctor was an idiot and that the blood tests were wrong. The medical establishment was correct and I had my second miscarriage in October 2010. What a difference the healing process was from my first miscarriage. After the first one I went on a two week alcohol binge, threw away anything that I had that had to do with babies and avoided being around anyone who had babies. The second pregnancy loss was harder in the way that I had two children I had to care for- I couldn't be selfish and mourn by myself which made the process take a lot longer. There was no shielding myself from being around kids or baby stuff. I had to bring my son to school and see the other moms who were pregnant, one who was due around the same time I was due.

About four months later I decided that I was ready to try again. I felt I needed to try and get pregnant again. I really wanted another baby and I was also scared that maybe I couldn't get pregnant again. I had to know if my baby having days were over because I felt like such a failure as a mom to not be able to hold on to something so important.

We ended up getting pregnant and I was a mess on the inside worrying that I would lose this baby too. I went in right away for a blood test to confirm my pregnancy and my doctor did more blood tests over the next few weeks to make sure that things were gong as they should. Everything has gone great so far for which I am very thankful. My placenta is where it should be but my doctor will not do a vbac after two c-sections so a third c-section it is. As long as the baby is good I'm good with however she has to exit.

This will be my last pregnancy as I am having my tubes tied. Such a drastic form of birth control, I know, but I have thought long and hard about this and know that it is what is right for my family and I. There are many factors that went into my decision- my issues with my placenta and possible complications I could have if I had another pregnancy, the fact that to me having more than three c-sections raises my risk for complications if I have a fourth, my husband and I only want three children and, on an emotional level, the thought of ever having another miscarriage scares me- I do not think that I could handle a loss like that again because me last one really put me into a bad place.

So, thirty-four weeks.

I am grateful that I have two wonderful children and a third one that will be here soon, but will always have a bit of sadness in my heart for the two angels that I lost along the way. Six more weeks and I can close the baby making chapter of my life with all of its complications, uncertainties, joys and sadness and open a new chapter of life with me being able to just focus on my children and trying to be the best mom I can be.