Sunday, November 14, 2010

Can You Be Too Strong?

Can you be too strong?

This is a question I have been asking myself a lot lately. I am someone who like s to hold it all together. I am not outwardly emotional and am the first person to say "suck it up" when something bad happens. It makes me feel strong when I am like this. I feel in control of my feelings and feel like I am keeping things together for my family. I don't want to be thought of as weak- I can do anything I put my mind to and can do it all on my own.

I am very strong willed, a bit stubborn and as my father has called me for as long as I can remember, cynical. Basically, I like to do things myself and do not like outside interference.

Recently, I have had something very sad happen to myself and my family. We lost our baby after being pregnant for seven weeks. This is not the first time I have lost a baby but I feel like it has shattered my world more than the first time. The first time my husband and I were recently married. After it happened I was devastated, we threw everything away that was in any way baby related and then I was able to return to my life- still sad but without any reminders of what I had lost. Now, everyday is a reminder of what happened. Our minivan, the diapers I started to stockpile, my children's outgrown clothing, outgrown baby gear in the basement and even my two children. Before, I was able to segregate myself from anything and anyone baby related. Now, not so easy.

On the outside I am strong. I do not talk about what has happened or cry in front of people. But what I am holding in on the inside is tidal waves of emotion. When I am alone I cry. I cry because I should have a baby growing inside of me, because it seems like my family has already forgotten about my baby and because life has moved on so quickly without thought of a baby who could have been but is now up in heaven with his other sibling who I lost five years ago.

I am not strong, I am just good at keeping it all together so that I can get done what I need to get done. I have two beautiful children who rely on me to be their mother who I cannot let down. I have a husband who I love so much and who I want feel relaxed when he is home because he has so much pressure on him as the breadwinner for the family.

Holding in how I feel my not be what is best for me, but when I became a mother I vowed to myself that I would do everything I could to make my children's lives they best they can be. What is best for me is not a priority in my life, what is best for my children and husband is.

So, can you be too strong?

Yes, you can.

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