Tuesday, May 31, 2011

What Do You Say...

Today at breakfast my son and I were talking about the baby and how big my stomach was going to get and he asked me what happened to the other baby.

Tears started to swell up in my eyes as I tried to think of what to say to him about the baby I lost last October. I told him the baby went to heaven and that he was an angel now to which my son replied that the baby was with our dog Buddie (who was put to sleep this past winter). Then he asked why the baby was in heaven and the only thing I could think to say was that the baby wasn't growing right and that God had to take him. I also told him that the baby and Buddie are always watching out for us and that we should always keep them in our thoughts.

Things like this make me feel so guilty for getting pregnant only four months after my miscarriage- like I am forgetting about the other baby and that he was just a speed bump on my path to having three children. I still get very upset and sad when I think about the loss, especially now because my due date was in June; I would have had a baby in my arms in a few weeks instead of now being just barely into my second trimester. (After my first miscarriage we waited almost a year to try again).

I am so happy to be pregnant with a healthy baby now but there is always that sad feeling in the back of head about what could have been and I know from when I had my first miscarriage that I will always feel sad about what happened. It really does feel so lonely sometimes feeling like this because who really wants to hear me crying about miscarriages- it makes people feel uncomfortable and everyone else in the world just seems to want to get on with their lives like nothing ever happened. I should be happy with what I have, which I am, but that doesn't mean I need to forget what I have lost.

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