Sunday, January 23, 2011


I have been carrying around so much guilt since my dog was put to sleep on Friday. He had liver failure and it was so far along that the vet put him down that day. I feel guilty that I didn't think something was really wrong sooner. Buddie depended on us to take care of him and I feel like we failed when it was most important. If I opened my eyes sooner and saw that there was something wrong it may have not saved his life but we may have been able to make his last days with us more comfortable.

I feel like this has also brought up so many emotions that I have been supressing in myself. I was finally at the point after losing my pregnancy in October that I felt over it- and by over it I mean not crying at the thought of losing the baby and not feeling like I was in a total fog all of the time. Now, when I think about the baby I cry- and I feel so guilty that I want to try for another baby. Trying again makes me feel like I am betraying the memory of the one I lost- like it was just a little speed bump on my way to having three kids.

I also still feel guilty about my first miscarrige and I will never forget the selfish words I spoke the day before I lost my first baby. I was having an awful day at work and I called my mom during my lunch break and told her that I was having a bad day and that I wished I wasn't pregnant so I could find a new job. The next day I lost the baby and I still hate myself for saying those words- I didn't really mean them and was just being a stupid 22 year old when I said them but they were said and I will never be able to take them back.

So, I guess I just don't know. My guilt comes and goes and all I can do is to just try and be a good mom to my kids, a good wife to my husband and a good owner to my remaining dog.

1 comment:

  1. Oh's so hard not to blame ourselves when awful things happen. Words didn't make you miscarry, there was something wrong with that pregnancy and God saw fit to not make that little life go through a lot of pain and that is how you have to look at ti. It's hard I know but believe that everything happens for a reason and believe in the good in the world. Even if you had found out about Buddy sooner, it may have just made you sad and you might not have enjoyed your last days with him. Being a Mom isn't for wussies, we put way too much pressure on ourselves. Go ahead and try for number three and honor those you've lost by being the best Mom you can be and loving your family.