Too Proud...

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Having baby number three was such a blessing to me. My husband and I suffered a miscarriage while trying to have a third child and when I got pregnant and carried Jilly Billy to full term we were so happy.

When I had my first child the transition was hard- my husband and i had no idea what to expect and it took a bit to get the hang of things. Obviously we eventually did get the hang of things because we decided to have a second child.

Going from one kid to two kids was such a breeze for me. Things just somehow fell all into place and life was good. Once Alli was a year old we decided to have a third child and got pregnant when she was 15 months old. I wanted all of the kids to be two years apart and things were going exactly to plan.

But something didn't feel right- something inside of me felt like something was wrong. Well, something was wrong and I ended up losing the baby. It was such a soul shattering thing to go through, even worse than when I had a miscarriage when my husband and I were first married. I pretty much bottled up my feelings inside and soldiered on with raising my two kids. I felt like I should be thankful for already having two healthy kids and felt selfish for wanting a third. For a brief amount of time I swore off having anymore kids- I just could not deal with the heartache if something happened again.

After a few months of silently mourning I decided that I did want another baby. We ended up pregnant a couple of months later and after a few months of constant worry that something bad was going to happen I made it into the second trimester with a healthy pregnancy and then went on to deliver a full term healthy baby girl. What joy my husband and I felt to have added a beautiful baby girl to our family.

Once I was home from the hospital and my husband went back to work real life set in. The easy breezy days that I imagined did not happen. I felt like an emotional wreck plus my recovery from the c-section was not going well. I felt like I wasn't being a good mom to my older kids, that my house was in shambles because I wasn't keeping up on the cleaning and that I was being a terrible wife to my husband.

I am stubborn and proud and you know what I did about these issues? Nothing. I just went on with life pretended that these issues didn't exist. I was a shell of the person I once was but I was too proud to admit defeat and ask for help.

Was it post partum depression? Now that I look back I think it could have been. I was so overwhelmed by bringing home a newborn to a home with a four year old and two year old already in it that I felt like a crappy mom. I also had all of these pent up feelings about my pregnancy losses that I have never dealt with in a productive manner- it all just added up to me feeling awful and useless. You feel down about your life and then you think about how good you have things which makes you feel more down because how dare you pity yourself when there are others who have it worse than you.

How did I end up dealing with these emotions? Well, it took my husband having a very honest conversation with me to snap me back into reality. The way I had been dealing with my feelings was affecting my family and it was pushing away the one person who had always been there for me- my husband who was the person who I chose to spend the rest of my life with.

Now every day I try to think about what makes me happy- I think about how much i love my husband and how I have been in love with him since we were in high school. I think about how my husband is such a wonderful man who loves me, faults and all, and is such a loving and caring father to our children. My kids can be monsters but they are also loving children who bring joy to my life.

Am I a perfect mom now? Um. no. Like everyone else I take life day by day. I no longer feel like a complete failure, which is how I felt after I had the baby, but I still get a little down on myself at times. Being a mom is such a hard and complex job and I am doing the best that I can do and trying to give myself credit for doing my best at it.

Step Away From the Chocolate and No One Will Get Hurt...

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I have a confession to make...

I ate a Cadbury chocolate egg the other day.

Big deal, right? Yeah, well I suppose it would be no big deal except for the fact that I am breastfeeding my infant who has a milk allergy.

My husband has been noshing on those delightful Cadbury eggs for the past couple of weeks and I just could not resist anymore. I have not had any dairy since before Christmas and at the moment that I ate the egg I was in heaven- it was delicious. Then after I chewed and swallowed it I felt horrible.

Fast forward a few days later and my baby had blood in her poop. Now I feel like a selfish piece of dung mom for causing my daughter to crap blood. I guess if there was any question in my mind that she actually had a milk allergy it is now ferociously squashed.

So, I had my one little chocolate egg and now I am set for the next eight months of no milk (wow, that sounds like a long time). If only my gosh darned family would stop eating such tempting things in front of me; does no one have any compassion for my plight?

Discombobulated...

I haven't posted in awhile due to laziness and the fact that I feel like my brain is all discombobulated.

Things are getting better though. Here is a recap of my wonderful life:

-The baby has been taking a couple of naps during the day in her swing and a couple more naps in my awesome Beco baby carrier. This has allowed me to actually be able to eat my lunch before three o'clock and to clean the house a bit. She is smiling now and doing that silly baby babbling which makes me feel like she thinks I'm an awesome mom. I am still sleeping with her every night on the couch because I don't want my husband to turn into a zombie from lack of sleep, because she doesn't want to sleep alone at night and because I'm lazy and it makes breastfeeding so much easier. I am planning on transitioning her to at least sleeping in her swing at night I just don't know when because I have a feeling she won't like it.

-I decided to treat myself and buy a steam mop, so that has been my new cleaning obsession. Every day I vacuum and then steam mop the kitchen, laundry room, hallway and bathroom- I suppose my life is that boring that a steam mopped floor is a basis of excitement for me.

-My husband got a promotion at work. He turned in his work van and got a car so now on Saturdays I can drive myself to work instead of dragging the whole family out of bed to drive me. He will also be making more money which means that we can bump up our emergency fund to at least a few thousand dollars and then pay off or debt fairly quickly (that is, if my husband doesn't go buy something dumb and expensive).

-My son has no interest in learning the alphabet or writing his name so I am on a mission to help him do these things in a fun way. I have a meeting with his teacher next week to discuss his preparedness for Kindergarten which seems so silly because back when I was a kid you were prepared for Kindergarten by just hitting a certain age. Why is it that our educational system is so awful these days but way back in the day before you were expected to know how to write a novel to enter Kindergarten it was much better? I have many theories on this but I will keep them to myself for now...

-My 2 1/2 year old daughter is the biggest diva I've ever met and I am trying to break her of it. I try to ignore her whining and screaming which she does right away when she wants something instead of asking nicely. Then if that does not work she goes to her bedroom where she throws everyhing off of her bed during her tantrum. When she calms down I talk to her about why she was put in her room and then I make her pick up all of the crap she threw everywhere- sometimes this results in another tantrum but if I threaten to leave her in her room again she ususally stops crying and picks up her mess.

This is my recent life in a nutshell. How very exciting...

Horrible Day...

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Today I had one of those moments as a mom that was so horrible that I will never forget  it but thankfully it turned out fine.

I took the kids to the park and we saw my son's friend from school there with his mom. We all hung out for a bit and then walked back to our cars. I pushed the stroller up to my car and put the brake on, or at least I thought I did ( it still makes a click sound even when the lock doesn't engage- I failed to look down and see if it showed red for locked or green for unlocked). I heard an SUV a couple of spaces down in the nearly empty parking lot start it's engine and looked to see my 2 1/2 year old daughter standing behind it- I immediately ran to grab her before the vehicle backed up. As I turned back from grabbing her I heard my son's friend's mom gasp and saw my stroller with my baby in it (in her car seat) rolling down the parking lot (it's on a hill). She ran after it and it hit the curb right next to the aforementioned SUV and bounced back hard at which time she grabbed it.

I swear I was in shock at the whole situation- I don't even remember if she wheeled it back to the car or if I did. The baby was fine and didn't even wake up. I profusely thanked my son's friend's mom for running after and grabbing the stroller and then got all of the kids in the car.

Then it all really hit me... I started to bawl my eyes out crying. The sight of the stroller rolling away was the most horrible thing ever- even now I feel sick when I think of it. I am so lucky the curb was there or that stroller would have rolled down the hill and who knows what would have happened to my baby- she could have crashed into a tree or been hit by a car (the park is in the woods set back from the main road and there is a one way road that winds through it). I felt so helpless in that few seconds. The sight of my daughter behind the SUV when it started was terrifying to me which is why I ran to grab her without even caring if I got run over doing it but then to see the stroller with my six week old baby flying by...

Everything turned out fine but I feel like a terrible mom- I always tell my kids that I'll never let anything bad happen to them and today I almost got two kids killed. I didn't keep a close enough eye on my daughter and then I failed to protect my baby- all within seconds. Every time I look at the baby I want to cry and just think about if things went a little differently today she might have not been here. It's like I went to save one child from my bad mothering and once she was safe my bad mothering put the other child in danger.

So I feel like shit. I feel like a shitty mom. I will never forget this day and the image of the stroller rolling away. All of the things that make me a good mom don't matter anymore because of the monumentally stupid things I did today.

Has anyone else ever done something eff-ed up like this?

Bad Mom...

Bad mom confession: Sometimes when I get really upset at my four year old son for his monster-like behavior I threaten him that I am going to get a full time job and send him and his sister to daycare. It doesn't really work though- I think I just say it to more make myself feel better.

Just Get the Damn Porsche and Be Quiet...

I have been giving in a lot lately.

When my kids pitch a total fit, sometimes (maybe more than sometimes) instead of sticking to my guns I give in and give them what they want. Goldfish Crackers at the checkout at Target- sure! You want to watch the Hot Wheels movie again- hey, why not? You don't want to go to time out- you know what, how about you can skip it this time but the next time you misbehave you're definitely going (empty threats are my thing now). As far as potty training my daughter- well she doesn't feel like peeing in the potty and I don't feel like making her.

And my husband has been taking advantage of my mental laziness also. Our laptop broke and you want to buy me a mac book- ok. Best Buy has a great package deal on a new 3-D tv- just get it and stop bugging me about it. He said he was going to the Porsche dealership next- I really hope he was kidding.

I cannot wait until November when I have this baby so I can go from being mentally and physically tired to my old self where I say no and don't give in. If only my bank account can hold out until then...

Maybe in the meantime I'll change the name of my blog from "Just Call Me Cheap" to "Just Call Me Do What Ever You Want As Long As You Leave Me Alone".

Dreading the Dentist...

My son has a dentist's appointment on Tuesday and he is excited. He absolutely loves going to the dentist and as a mom this makes me happy though I know the day will come when he will absolutely hate going.

I always get nervous when I take him. To me, the health of my kids' teeth is a direct reflection of how good of a mom I am. Teeth don't lie- if I don't brush the kids' teeth and let them indulge on sugary, sticky foods then I suck and their teeth will suck too.

In my house I let the kids brush their own teeth in the morning (my two year old daughter has to let me check her teeth when she is done) but when we are going somewhere I do the brushing just to make sure their breath doesn't smell like out laundry room trash can (the stinkiest trash can I have ever smelled). At night my husband or I will brush their teeth for them.

As far as food goes, my kids drink water (fluoridated) and milk a majority of the time and only have candy, fruit snacks and other sticky, sugary foods on special occasions. My daughter's downfall is raisins, which I know the dentist said aren't good for her teeth but when your kid is picky you need to get in a serving of fruits whenever you can. My son has been bugging me to buy gummy vitamins for him but there really is no way I am going to let him have something everyday that will stick to his teeth.

So, all of this and I still get scared that my little boy is going to the dentist. What if he has a cavity? That means I let him down by not helping him take care of his teeth properly and that he would have to get it filled. Getting a cavity filled at such a young age seems traumatic to me- I mean it's borderline traumatic to have one filled when your an adult (believe me, I know).

I am going to cross my fingers and hope that the tooth care skills I am teaching will be enough to ensure that my son has a healthy smile (and also that my daughter behaves while her brother is having his teeth cleaned- fat chance though). And once my son is done with his appointment and has his new toothpaste and toothbrush I can start thinking about my appointment the following month and all of the nights I was too tired to floss and brush my teeth. Do as I say, not as I do kids!

Yeah, That Was Me Yelling at My Kids in the Store- So What?

Have you ever had a morning that was so bad you just knew the rest of your day was going to be awful?

This morning we dropped off my dog at the vet so he could have his teeth cleaned and some other stuff done (this will cost me a small fortune but I suppose that is what credit cards are for, right?) and then I decided that the kids and I would run to Stop and Shop to get some hot dog buns and beans for dinner (it's going to be a white trash dinner tonight!). I thought it would be no big deal because every seemed to be in a good mood.

Well, it was horrible and awful and terrible. My daughter, who is almost two, is just little miss independent who I guess doesn't need to be under the watchful eyes of her mom. Oh no, she can just run away whenever she pleases and touch whatever she wants. But then here comes evil mommy who snatches her up to take her back to the shopping cart, all while she is screaming (and yes, she does start off sitting in the cart but that never lasts long). My son was pretty good the whole time but then when it was time to leave he wouldn't hold onto the shopping cart before we got to the parking lot. At that point I was ready to abandon the whole shopping cart, kids and all, and go home by myself.

It seems as if every time I think that maybe, just maybe my kids will cooperate in the store they decide that their sole mission in life is to make me feel like an awful and incompetent mother. I now know that there is no way on God's green earth that I can take the kids to the store which in turn makes my life suck just that much more because any shopping I do will have to be at night (when I am so tired that I could care less if my family starves to death because we have no food) or on Sundays. This also means that any hopes I may have had of getting back into drugstore shopping have been trampled into the ground.

And now I am going to sit on the couch for a bit because any small bit of energy I had when I woke up this morning was expelled at the grocery store. The little baby in my stomach is going to think that his brother and sister are real you-know-what-holes before he meets them; I know I would if I had to hear the crap they pull all day.

Dreaming of Day Care...

Google is great for a stay at home mom. Case in point, today I googled "sometimes I don't like my four year old son" and it came up with a link to a blog post that completely sums up how I am feeling right now.

Lately my son, who is almost four, has been antagonizing his little sister and completely not listening to anything I say. Being that I have been tired and worn out lately putting up with him fighting with his sister and his failure at listening I have been at my wit's end.

Last night I started to feel lightheaded and started getting the chills and a pounding headache and of course when I woke up this morning I still felt awful. Since I can't call in sick to this wonderful job of motherhood I asked my son to please be a good boy (with an emphasis on the please). Well, no dice on that one. I have had an absolutely horrible day so far and finally banished both kids to take naps.

Sometimes I really don't like my son- not him as a person but how he acts. He was never a perfect angel but his recent behavior has turned me into the kind of mom I never thought I would be. I end up yelling at him and yes, I sometimes even scream when the yelling doesn't work. I have even tried spanking him which is something that I don't even really believe in and you know what? It didn't make him behave and I just felt like a total ass for doing it.

So here I sit in tears wondering how I am going to get through this. My only saving grace is on Saturdays when I go to work for 10 hours, which is so pathetic that my only time to myself is going to work. Saturday morning is the only morning that I don't dread waking up because I don't feel like a complete failure as a mom when I'm at work.

And to those who think I'm awful for writing the truth, I'm just trying to keep it real here. Mommy blogs all too often run rampant with moms writing about how much they love being home with their kids and blah, blah, blah. I call total bull on all of it. I love my kids but being home with them is far from the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. It is hard sometimes and sometimes I dream about having a full time job and sticking them in daycare. Other times it is wonderful, but recently only when both kids are not in the same room at the same time.