I Guess I'll Sleep When I'm Dead...

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I am tired. It seems as if no matter when I go to bed at night or when I wake up I am still tired.

No, I'm not sick- I suppose a lot of it has to do with a nine month old baby who still does not sleep through the night. She wakes up around midnight to eat; I nurse her in bed and she sleeps between my husband and I. She then wakes up again for a little snacky-snack. Why not, right? My boobs are right there- I guess it would be like me standing in front of the refrigerator when there is yummy food in it, why not indulge because it's in front of your face?

I know that I could stop this waking up thing if I left her in her crib until she passed out from crying but I can't do that. First of all, I feel bad when my child has tears streaming down her face because she wants her mommy. If she is crying and looking for me I want to be there for her, even if it means that I end up feeling like a truck ran me over, backed up, and ran me over again. Second of all, even if I were okay with her screaming and feeling abandoned, she shares a room with her older sister. Dealing with one child in the middle of the night stinks but it's doable; dealing with two children in the middle of the night is something that I will avoid at all costs. My three year old daughter is a hot mess when she gets woken up and would make even Super Nanny want to claw her eyeballs out. Therefore, sleeping in mommy and daddy's bed with twenty-four hour milk service it is.

I do have a line that I draw though- when she is done eating the nursing bra gets buckled back up. I am not a human pacifier, especially since Jilly now has teeth. I want to go to sleep with two intact nipples and wake up with two intact nipples. This seems to really piss her off to the point that some nights she won't fall back asleep and her and I end up on the couch watching Mad Men until the wee hours of the morning. What a glamorous life I lead.

If all of that isn't stupendous enough, Jilly has taken to waking up at five am every morning bright eyed and bushy tailed ready for the day. five am is an un-Godly hour for me to wake up at, especially after her night time antics. I am not a morning person- I never have been one and though I have tried, I will never be one. Every cell in my body detests early mornings and I am a terrible person to be around before 8 am. So, every morning I grumble and say a few swear words under my breath, take Jilly downstairs, plop her in her play area, lay on the couch with my eyes closed and then listen to her cry for twenty minutes because she doesn't want to play. I roll off the couch, change her diaper because she pooped all over herself in protest of me daring to put her down and begrudgingly start my day way to stinking early.

Wash, rinse and repeat- that has been my life for the past few weeks. Don't even ask about daytime naps- those are words that do not even exist in Jilly's language. I always think of the people who tell me that I'll miss these moments when she is grown and then I imagine punching said people in the face. I miss sleep- I haven't had a good nights sleep since I became pregnany with Jilly. It's been eighteen months people! EIGHTEEN MONTHS! How much longer can this go on?

Scream Till You Puke...

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I have come to the conclusion that my quality of life is directly correlated to how cooperative Jilly Billy is at night. For the (brief) period of time that she was taking a nap from 7 pm to 11 pm and then after I fed her was sleeping until 2 am before we took her into our bed I felt wonderful. When I say wonderful I mean I wasn't as crabby to everyone in my house and I didn't feel like I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown every minute of the day. It was nice having time at night to relax and get stuff done like actually making shopping lists that had coupons involved.

Now Jilly Billy is in full crib at night mutiny mode- she will sleep in her crib for maybe, if I'm lucky, two hours and then she's up at 9 pm therefore wrecking any plans that I had to not have a child attached to me all night. I know there is a method of sleep training called cry it out but I'm not into letting my baby scream until she pukes. The most I can handle is her crying for a few minutes- I'll pop the pacifier back in her mouth a few times and then I give up and take her out of her crib. I love her and cannot get myself to let her cry herself to sleep so I sacrifice my night to keep her happy.

This is why I feel like garbage today and the many days preceding today. I put my kids' needs before mine and Jilly Billy is just a baby- babies need to be cuddled and to feel like they are loved. Screaming and puking doesn't do that. So I will continue to feel like garbage while gently prodding her to sleep in her crib all night (heck, even just a few hours would make me happy). My son slept in our bed on and off until he was 18 months old at which time he went right in his crib and slept through the night (we moved from an apartment where his crib was in our bedroom to a house where he had his own room) and my daughter slept with us until she was around 9 months old which is when she decided she was ready for her crib all night. Jilly Billy wants her mommy at night and I know, even though it is annoying the ever living crap out of me, that she will eventually sleep in her crib when she is ready to.

I just wish though that she would nap from 7 pm to 11 pm- three hours at night is all I'm asking for Jilly. Three stinking hours. Then I'll cuddle with you all night. Three stinking hours!