I Guess I'll Sleep When I'm Dead...

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I am tired. It seems as if no matter when I go to bed at night or when I wake up I am still tired.

No, I'm not sick- I suppose a lot of it has to do with a nine month old baby who still does not sleep through the night. She wakes up around midnight to eat; I nurse her in bed and she sleeps between my husband and I. She then wakes up again for a little snacky-snack. Why not, right? My boobs are right there- I guess it would be like me standing in front of the refrigerator when there is yummy food in it, why not indulge because it's in front of your face?

I know that I could stop this waking up thing if I left her in her crib until she passed out from crying but I can't do that. First of all, I feel bad when my child has tears streaming down her face because she wants her mommy. If she is crying and looking for me I want to be there for her, even if it means that I end up feeling like a truck ran me over, backed up, and ran me over again. Second of all, even if I were okay with her screaming and feeling abandoned, she shares a room with her older sister. Dealing with one child in the middle of the night stinks but it's doable; dealing with two children in the middle of the night is something that I will avoid at all costs. My three year old daughter is a hot mess when she gets woken up and would make even Super Nanny want to claw her eyeballs out. Therefore, sleeping in mommy and daddy's bed with twenty-four hour milk service it is.

I do have a line that I draw though- when she is done eating the nursing bra gets buckled back up. I am not a human pacifier, especially since Jilly now has teeth. I want to go to sleep with two intact nipples and wake up with two intact nipples. This seems to really piss her off to the point that some nights she won't fall back asleep and her and I end up on the couch watching Mad Men until the wee hours of the morning. What a glamorous life I lead.

If all of that isn't stupendous enough, Jilly has taken to waking up at five am every morning bright eyed and bushy tailed ready for the day. five am is an un-Godly hour for me to wake up at, especially after her night time antics. I am not a morning person- I never have been one and though I have tried, I will never be one. Every cell in my body detests early mornings and I am a terrible person to be around before 8 am. So, every morning I grumble and say a few swear words under my breath, take Jilly downstairs, plop her in her play area, lay on the couch with my eyes closed and then listen to her cry for twenty minutes because she doesn't want to play. I roll off the couch, change her diaper because she pooped all over herself in protest of me daring to put her down and begrudgingly start my day way to stinking early.

Wash, rinse and repeat- that has been my life for the past few weeks. Don't even ask about daytime naps- those are words that do not even exist in Jilly's language. I always think of the people who tell me that I'll miss these moments when she is grown and then I imagine punching said people in the face. I miss sleep- I haven't had a good nights sleep since I became pregnany with Jilly. It's been eighteen months people! EIGHTEEN MONTHS! How much longer can this go on?