Pieces of Me...

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Being a mother is something that brings great joy to my life. Yes, I complain about it because there are a lot of things about it that are not fun but seeing my children happy makes all of those not so great moments worth it.

I feel like when you become a mother you slowly give pieces of you away and if you're not careful you will have nothing left of yourself. Since I had my first child I have given my all to being a mom. Everything I do all day is devoted to being a mom- taking care of the kids, breastfeeding the baby, making sure the house is somewhat clean, grocery shopping, sleeping with the baby all night, and so many other things. I have given every piece of me to my children and I have nothing left of myself or of the person I was long ago before I became a mom.

I have always told myself that I would get "me" back once I was done being pregnant and breastfeeding- the more kids we had the more that day kept getting pushed forward. Five years later and I am still empty of what I once was because I have given it all to my children and have saved nothing for myself, a terrible consequence of this being my husband no longer had the woman that he fell in love with. That woman was gone from me, she was put on a shelf long ago. I feel humbled at how far I let things go.

I can no longer be some sort of martyr; someone who gives up her comforts blindly for her children. I love them but they need a mom who is happy not a mom who is stressed and angry, not a mom who has lost who she is. They need a mom and dad who are devoted to each other's happiness, not a mom who is so burnt out and empty that she has nothing left for her husband.

 I need to start taking care of myself physically and mentally. I need to let go of the stress I feel, the frustration that is always with me, the feelings of incompetence, the I can do it all on my own attitude. I don't even know where to begin to repair the damage I have caused over the past five years to myself and others, it all seems so insurmountable. I just have to take baby steps and hope that when I right myself and get some of the pieces of me back that everything else will slowly fall into place.

Being a good mom is not just about the kids, it is about building a strong family unit therefore setting an example to your children about what a happy home is. I realize now that I was missing the most important part of that.

Love...

When I'm having a bad day or am stressed out, something that always makes me feel better and puts me at peace is looking down at my baby daughter sleeping in my arms.

Five Years and Counting...

Today my husband and I have been married for five years.

I still remember seeing my husband freshman year in high school and thinking that he was so good looking and that he would never want to go out with me.

I still remember talking on the phone for hours (and I mean hours) about nothing at all and having our parents yelling at us to get off the phone.

I still remember all of the times we dated and then broke up throughout high school and how melodramatic I could be over these events.

I still remember when he and I got into his car, said goodbye to our families and drove down to Georgia to start our lives as grown ups. We were so far away from everyone we knew and only had each other- we became so much closer during this time.

I still  remember rolling over in bed one morning and my husband proposing to me.

I still remember our wedding day and saying "I do" with tears of happiness in my eyes.

I still remember seeing my husband holding our children when they were each born and knowing that on top of being my best friend he was going to be the best father in the world.