Pieces of Me...

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Being a mother is something that brings great joy to my life. Yes, I complain about it because there are a lot of things about it that are not fun but seeing my children happy makes all of those not so great moments worth it.

I feel like when you become a mother you slowly give pieces of you away and if you're not careful you will have nothing left of yourself. Since I had my first child I have given my all to being a mom. Everything I do all day is devoted to being a mom- taking care of the kids, breastfeeding the baby, making sure the house is somewhat clean, grocery shopping, sleeping with the baby all night, and so many other things. I have given every piece of me to my children and I have nothing left of myself or of the person I was long ago before I became a mom.

I have always told myself that I would get "me" back once I was done being pregnant and breastfeeding- the more kids we had the more that day kept getting pushed forward. Five years later and I am still empty of what I once was because I have given it all to my children and have saved nothing for myself, a terrible consequence of this being my husband no longer had the woman that he fell in love with. That woman was gone from me, she was put on a shelf long ago. I feel humbled at how far I let things go.

I can no longer be some sort of martyr; someone who gives up her comforts blindly for her children. I love them but they need a mom who is happy not a mom who is stressed and angry, not a mom who has lost who she is. They need a mom and dad who are devoted to each other's happiness, not a mom who is so burnt out and empty that she has nothing left for her husband.

 I need to start taking care of myself physically and mentally. I need to let go of the stress I feel, the frustration that is always with me, the feelings of incompetence, the I can do it all on my own attitude. I don't even know where to begin to repair the damage I have caused over the past five years to myself and others, it all seems so insurmountable. I just have to take baby steps and hope that when I right myself and get some of the pieces of me back that everything else will slowly fall into place.

Being a good mom is not just about the kids, it is about building a strong family unit therefore setting an example to your children about what a happy home is. I realize now that I was missing the most important part of that.