Waiting...

As I am sitting here my mind is buzzing and my stomach has butterflies in it. I am waiting to talk to my doctor to get results from a blood test I took yesterday and I am so nervous and scared because what she tells me tomorrow will have such a profound impact on my life.

I am pregnant- about six weeks to be exact. We are all so excited to be added another to our family- especially me.

I went for an ultrasound (internal) on Monday and there was no evidence of a pregnancy (to the point where the ultrasound technician was asking me if I was sure I was pregnant)- I was starting to doubt I was pregnant for a few minutes. I took two pregnancy tests that were positive but who knows- they could have been wrong. The doctor tested my urine and said I was not crazy (because I was starting to think I was) and that I was pregnant. Great news- but then there was the issue of seeing nothing in my uterus, not even a gestational sac. She told me that my dates could be off (impossible because I know the exact date of my last period), I could have ovulated later then normal (possible, I guess- I did just wean my daughter from breastfeeding in June and have only had a few periods since then) or I could miscarry (my complete and total worst nightmare). I took in all she had to say- keep in mind she was very optimistic- and she sent me down to have some blood taken to measure my hcg levels.

I am not someone who cries in front of people I don't know, I have a very good ability in most instances of holding my composure. As soon as I left the office I went into the restroom and just lost it. I know that I should be optimistic but my husband and I had a miscarriage at almost 12 weeks when we were first married and I was I total wreck- I still get tears in my eyes when I think about it almost five years later. I always thought that once I had children that it would take the sting out of the miscarriage but two beautiful, healthy chilren later I still get sad. The baby was still my baby no matter how little time I was its mother and I always have a twinge of somehow failing to do my job and keep it safe- completely irrational but it is how I will always feel.

On my way home from the doctor's office I cried, and cried and cried. When I got home I couldn't tell my husband what happened right away- I just cried as he held me. Then I laid on the couch just staring at the blank tv screen thinking about my baby. My three year old son knew I wasn't feeling good and came and cuddled with me- he is such a sweet boy. He made me feel better and reminded me of what I have that I am thankful for.

So, yesterday my doctor called and said my hcg level was 470 which was the equivalent of being 4 weeks pregnant. At four weeks it is somewhat possible that nothing would be seen on ultrasound so I am hoping and praying that my silly body released an egg on it's own messed up schedule and that I am four weeks pregnant with a healthy little baby. I had more blood taken today so tomorrow I will find out if my hcg level has doubled- if it doubles it means the baby is good to go but if it doesn't my chance of having a miscarriage is pretty high.

So, I sit here not being able to sleep and hoping and praying that the baby growing inside of me who I already love is going to be ok.

I usually do not write about such personal things but sometimes writing about things helps me cope with them better. I know that there are others who have gone through or who are going through the same issues and sometimes you feel so alone when they are happening to you- it has always helped me when I have read stories others have shared and maybe reading this will pay it forward and help someone someday...