Thursday, October 21, 2010

Waiting Again...

I got my results from my blood work yesterday and my fear has come true.

My hcg level was only in the 500's when it should have doubled from 470. This means that I will most likely lose the baby. I am going back for more blood work tomorrow to confirm but this really is horrible news for me.

Even though I am upset beyond words I still have some hope that everything will be ok- sometimes doctors and science are wrong.

This whole thing just absolutely breaks my heart and I feel like I am living in a dark cloud. I am trying to be strong in front of my children but it is so hard when I may be losing my baby inside of me. When I found out I was pregnant I had all of this joy in me and excitement for the future but it seems like that is gone.

How is it that I can mourn when I still have two children to take care of and who I love so much? I feel so selfish getting so upset when I already have two perfect kids but the one inside of me is perfect and is mine too and I fell like I have somehow failed him.

So now I wait again to see if by some miracle my hcg levels go up, all the while trying to hold myself together so that I can still be a mom and a wife.


  1. Well actually my friend just went through this same thing and they scheduled an ultra sound 2 weeks later and the baby finally made an appearance. They told her she had no yolk sac or no gestational sac. Miracles are know to happen I pray for you that all will go as GOD planned. Keep your chin up for those other kiddos not all has failed you : )

  2. Erica, I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you and the baby. I am sure that you are an emotional mess, and rightfully so! Is there someone, who can help you out with the kids a bit?

    I know this is little comfort to you, but I want to say that while the technologies of the medical world have improved tremendously, it can also be a bad thing at times.

    When I was pregnant with my first son, I was told that he had cysts on his brain and that if they did not disappear within a certain week, he would likely be multi-handicapped, unable to breathe by himself and not live long if at all.....

    It was some horrible weeks, but my sons is a miracle baby and he came out absolutely perfect. Testing is great, it truly is, but sometimes all of these tests that our mothers did not have bring more concern than good.

    I hope that you too will get your miracle!

  3. I just started reading your blog, but I feel like I already know you! I have three kids and there is NOTHING more agonizing than those first 12 weeks. I have a problem on the other end (can't seem to hold them in for the full term). However, I feel every bit of your pain and I hope and pray for a wonderful outcome. It is agonizing trying to hold it together when it consumes your thoughts and your life. You keep praying and don't stop!!! I will be praying for you and your family. Thanks for sharing, that had to hard:)

  4. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I admire your candidness and I know you are in God's good hands.

  5. I don't know if it's weird or encouraging to get comments about something so personal from a stranger, but I am so sorry to hear about this. I have not gone through it, but have many friends who have, especially lately. Thank you for the braveness of sharing, and I'm so sorry for the loss!