Pity Party...

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The other day we had to go to our old town to do something. I really didn't think anything of going there but once we were driving through I became overcome with emotion.

We drove by the nursery school that Allison was supposed to go, the one my son went to for two years- the one she was so excited to attend in the fall. We drove by the elementary school that Tyler was supposed to go to, the one that we were going to walk to everyday with our neighbors. We drove by the street we used to live on that had the house we used to live in- the house that we had so many memories in and that we thought we would continue making memories in. I brought two of my babies home in that house. That was the only place Tyler, and obviously the girls, remembered being in.

It has been over a month since we moved. The excitement of being far away from my in-laws has worn off (though I am beyond happy to be far away from them) and now a little sadness has set in. Life is different for us. We have no extra money for anything, including nursery school for Allison. We are living in a completely different area with no one we know nearby. We are basically starting over from the ground floor trying to keep things going with three young children. The stress I am feeling right now is awful and the resentment and hatred I feel for my in laws for what they did to us is something I am having a hard time letting go of. Quite honestly, I personally want to sever all ties with them though I have no issues with my husband having a relationship with them or the kids seeing them. After the way my father in law treated me and the way my mother in law just sat back and let it happen I want nothing to do with them.

Life is so funny, how everything can change in the blink of an eye. I know that we'll make it through this rough patch because my husband and I love each other and we love our kids. To sound like a selfish teenager, this sucks.

Being a Mom...

If you are someone who enjoys being a mom all of the time then you are either clinically insane or smoking crystal meth.

Just saying...

Dreaming of Day Care...

Google is great for a stay at home mom. Case in point, today I googled "sometimes I don't like my four year old son" and it came up with a link to a blog post that completely sums up how I am feeling right now.

Lately my son, who is almost four, has been antagonizing his little sister and completely not listening to anything I say. Being that I have been tired and worn out lately putting up with him fighting with his sister and his failure at listening I have been at my wit's end.

Last night I started to feel lightheaded and started getting the chills and a pounding headache and of course when I woke up this morning I still felt awful. Since I can't call in sick to this wonderful job of motherhood I asked my son to please be a good boy (with an emphasis on the please). Well, no dice on that one. I have had an absolutely horrible day so far and finally banished both kids to take naps.

Sometimes I really don't like my son- not him as a person but how he acts. He was never a perfect angel but his recent behavior has turned me into the kind of mom I never thought I would be. I end up yelling at him and yes, I sometimes even scream when the yelling doesn't work. I have even tried spanking him which is something that I don't even really believe in and you know what? It didn't make him behave and I just felt like a total ass for doing it.

So here I sit in tears wondering how I am going to get through this. My only saving grace is on Saturdays when I go to work for 10 hours, which is so pathetic that my only time to myself is going to work. Saturday morning is the only morning that I don't dread waking up because I don't feel like a complete failure as a mom when I'm at work.

And to those who think I'm awful for writing the truth, I'm just trying to keep it real here. Mommy blogs all too often run rampant with moms writing about how much they love being home with their kids and blah, blah, blah. I call total bull on all of it. I love my kids but being home with them is far from the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. It is hard sometimes and sometimes I dream about having a full time job and sticking them in daycare. Other times it is wonderful, but recently only when both kids are not in the same room at the same time.

The Best Birth Control is a House of Screaming Kids

Today I had just about had it with my kids. I felt as if I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My son was annoying the ever living crap out of me with a combination of not listening to anything I said to him and by making annoying sounds non-stop. My dear sweet daughter is still not feeling well but she was being a beast.

I told my husband that all of the teenagers who were thinking of having unprotected sex should come live at our house for a week- the experience would make them want to keep their pants on (heck, days like this make me want to keep my pants on).

The only thing I can do as a mom is realize that today is over (thank God) and that tomorrow is a new day- hopefully a day where the kids aren't monsters and where my patience level goes back up so I don't feel like my head is going to explode.